Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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