I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
