I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
