If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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