this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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