Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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