Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
