i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
