Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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