My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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