these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
