So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
