Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
