I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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