This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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