??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
