No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
