saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
