New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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