I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize