We won't sleep together?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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