Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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