theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize