I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
