so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize