sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
