I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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