M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
