nutella sex= disaster
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
