whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
