You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize