he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She needs sedatives and a leash
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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