grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
