Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
