I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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