i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
