I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
