Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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