70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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