he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
