if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
