A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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