i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This is my gift to your gina
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think people are normalizing furries
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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