apparently the secret to your success is patron
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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