i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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