dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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