And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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