Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
