I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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