oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
