defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
