I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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