Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
