U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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