There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
