WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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