Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
