dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
