you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
