I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
