Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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